i think this is a great poem to give someone as a gift, because it is abstract enough to be gorgeous but not too much to be understood. i adore the first two stanzas.

Thank you! He liked it, which was extra nice. That's the problems with gift poems sometimes - you're in danger of either projection or too much honesty, or some deadly combination thereof.

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*But I believe in peace, bitch.*

This is absolutely wonderful. The beginning is already delicious and it just gets better as it progresses. The structure and the atmosphere are beautiful and brilliant. You know that abstraction usually bothers me, but I can forget about it for a little while.

"Super nova" should probably be written together. You use a comma in the second stanza but not in the first stanza, which is slightly inconsistent. I'm not going to even try to suggest anything else.

from little messiahs to water that eddies to poems, and those who write them;

flawlessly magnificent.

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my enemy said to me, "love your enemy."
and i obeyed him and loved myself. gibran

water that eddies
into the falls and out
of the falls, without ever thinking
it was lost to the cascades;


I'm speechless. a-Mazing

This is really, really sublime. (And no, I'm not just commenting because you just commented on me! I just decided it was time to do something about my devwatch for once.)

Vague suggestion critiques:

1) I wasn't huge on the comma after girls - I could see why it was there, and I can see how you could put a pause in there while reading aloud, but in terms of seeing it on the page and it working to establish that continual semi-colon flow this early on I think you're better without. It tripped me up momentarily because that early on in the piece we haven't worked out that everything's going to have a semi-colon so having the comma there that isn't grammatically correct has the power to throw someone off and since you're dealing with a quite unconventional punctuation structure anyway it's always best to err on the side of simplicity.

2) I agree with `diamondie with the 'super nova' thing mainly because then you're talking Latin and not scientific - is it Latin? Anyway, 'big star' as opposed to 'supernova' - it's best to be specific.

3) I wasn't in love with the comma after 'falls', this time because it was grammatically correct - hah, work that one out. No, I just was thinking on the side of simplicity again.

4) 'beeps' worried me a little, but I got over it.

5) THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY LOVELY AND IF YOUR FRIEND DIDN'T LOVE IT THEN I'M COMING OVER THERE RIGHT NOW WITH A BIG RUBBER HAMMER AND A SACK OF REVENGE!

*snort*

rubber hammer? sack of revenge?? bahahaha

He liked it a lot and was especially tickled by the smarminess of the last line. So I consdier that a job well done.

Will look at all them suggestions once I get internet at my new home. Until then, thanks and you're porabably right and you rock my world for the sack of revenge and the useful critique.

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*But I believe in peace, bitch.*

Are you mocking my rubber hammer? Or indeed, my sack of revenge? I'll give you what for!

Nah, seriously. It's great to hear he liked it! When are you getting the internet that shall turn your house into a home, since obviously no home is a real home without such a comprehensive procrastination tool? Oh - and you're welcome, pumpkin.

No mocking!! Shock at thought that I would be mocking!! True, heart-felt appreciation of such lovely language use!

Also you reminded me of one of my dearest friends who threatens my enemies with wiffle bats all the time.

And doot! We got a phone line yesterday! So that's progress right there.

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*But I believe in peace, bitch.*

Ah, I know the lovely ~completeaccident well - she's a star and a half, that's for sure. Wiffle bats, however, is a new one to me.

Yay, progress!