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boys who get lost
on the way to being
little messiahs;

girls, who sit quiet inside
large rooms without ever
being too small;

songs from under
apology and regret, to where
starlight and super nova
begin everything;

the rope God used
to tie us together;

water that eddies
into the falls and out
of the falls, without ever thinking
it was lost to the cascades;

the ground under your feet
when it beeps up to you
I think we're in love;

your hat, when the wind blows hard;

poems, and those who write them.
a birthday poem for j.
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Daily Deviation

Given 2006-03-29
Things for J. to Hold by =manchaliaina is one of those few poems that are so perfect they rob me of the ability to create a snappy write-up. Honestly, I'm speechless - all I can suggest is that you stop reading me and start reading her!

I second all that! ( Suggested by zebrazebrazebra and Featured by imperfect )
:iconmr-boonshine:
mr-boonshine Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2008
i always wish someone would write a poem for me.
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:iconmrjoe-k:
MrJoe-k Featured By Owner Oct 8, 2008
awesome
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:iconboy-wonder:
boy-wonder Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2006
This is simply amazing. Great work!
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:iconjon-law:
Jon-Law Featured By Owner Mar 30, 2006
Aw, that's touching. Nice.
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:iconprincessdhaimish:
princessdhaimish Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2006
Wow. This has really inspired me to write a poem!
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:iconmanchaliaina:
manchaliaina Featured By Owner Mar 30, 2006
That's the coolest thing ever!
Reply
:iconpinocchio-liez:
Pinocchio-Liez Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2006
Yeah...OKay...so this is damn brilliant! I mean lines like this:

songs from under
apology and regret, to where
starlight and super nova
begin everything;


are just beyond genius! Wow...this is quite an amazing poem! I'm now a fan...regardless of what kind of other work you do :aww:! This is beautiful work my friend...bloody beautiful!!
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:iconalecat:
Alecat Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2006  Hobbyist
I'm also a fan of the verse with the water. A lovely poem...
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:iconisingelectric:
isingelectric Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2006   Writer
this poem is absolutely gorgeous. You really have talent.
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:iconmanchaliaina:
manchaliaina Featured By Owner Mar 30, 2006
Thank you! And I love your avatar!
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:iconhiimevan:
HiimEvan Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2006
beautiful
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:iconflyindreams:
flyindreams Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2006  Hobbyist
Beautiful :)
Reply
:icondarkmoon12:
Darkmoon12 Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2006
Your style is simple, yet deep and beautiful......:+favlove:
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:iconinziladun:
inziladun Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2006   Writer
―while the boys/girls setup is a bit cliché, the sentiment in each is not badly expressed; each deals, for me, with expectations though in different ways. little messiah doesn't work for me, 'messiah' is a word that is very easily misused because it's impossible to use without being dramatic and its connotations are a bit too large for such a minimalistic poem. in the second stanza the size contrast of a room and a girl is nicely done, there's a sense of both silent rebellion/accomplishment and of shyness/timidity.

from under / apology and regret is too abstract on its own, I could envision it working in a more tangible context. the sentiment, again, is alright. the comma after regret makes the rest of the stanza sound ungrammatical; where / starlight and supernova / begin everything is enjoyable, a bit of a macro-universal trip, and the singular use of the heavenly bodies works well. the incorrect spelling of 'supernova' detracts a great deal from the effect, this poem is terribly fragile in that sense. also, super novam means 'above the star' as far as I know, and 'super nova' itself isn't grammatical latin. but I'm no classicist, and it's irrelevant anyway.

―stanza 4 is lovely, if very obscure

―<i<into the falls and out / of the falls is poor use of repetition. lost to the cascades is a nice phrase.

beeps up to you breaks the fragile tone with an ungainly shatter. it ruins the stanza.

―the second-last line is brilliant. the last line is a little awkward, but not too badly.


overall this is not bad, it's just nice. in a slightly negative sense of that word. everything here is very detached and separate and vague, and while that can be used to amazing effect potentially, I feel as if it doesn't quite deliver here. if the whole poem were the same sort of subtle, surreal excellence as the fourth stanza, this would be smashing. at the moment I find it blurry and shuffling, but like I said, still not bad.
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:iconinziladun:
inziladun Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2006   Writer
gogo tags
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:iconmanchaliaina:
manchaliaina Featured By Owner Mar 30, 2006
While I can't speak to the gogo tags...

This is not a great poem. I would not have offered this poem up for a DD if I were offering one of my own poems for DDing. But the Zebra will d strange things and I am gratefully perplexed.

It's a gift poem, so the cliche critique is irrelevent, though true. I disagree about the messiahs being too large for such a minimalist poem. Personally, it's the "little" messiahs that makes me cringe a good half the time, but the gift's been given, so I consider that ship sailed.

I've been trying to fix supernova for days, but DA won't let me. IT thinks this is a file and not a text piece, so the misspelling will remain until someone can kick the tires for me a few times. That's what I get for shoddy proofing. Thanks for the the super novam thing though. Didn't know that. Will file it away for future use.

Glad you liked Stanza 4. It's a Qur'anic reference, which is why it would seem obscure. "Hold fast you, all together, to the rope of God, and do not be divided."

"Into the falls and out of the falls" is just dandy use of repetition, thank you. I do it all the time. Sounds very nice to the ear.

Yeah, I don't know about "beeps" either. Sometimes it sounds great to me. Sometimes I wonder what I was thinking. As it is, DA won't let me edit the poem anymore, so, it's all academic anymore. But point well taken.

Glad the poem ended nicely enough for you. For me, the last line was more smarmy than awkward.


All in all, it's a nice poem, you're right. I'd put it a positive charge rather than a negative one on it, but hey, I wrote it, and there's abot thirteen gajillion people who just went "woot!" at me in the space of 24 hours, so that's understandable. Last time someone DDed me, I was totally floored by the fact of the event, and the choice of poem. This time I'm even more floored by the choice. Shows what I know about anything. But most of all, I'm extremely, extremely grateful to you for a thorough critique that got under my skin an annoyed the crap out of me enough that I've now reread this same poem about twenty five times in past half hour. Thank you very very much.
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:iconinziladun:
inziladun Featured By Owner Mar 30, 2006   Writer
quite welcome :>
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:iconarliddian:
arliddian Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2006
Beautiful, flawless, and countless synonyms that haven't been invented yet.
Congratulations on a well-deserved DD :)
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:iconemothemurdok:
emothemurdok Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2006
Lovely. ;p and an extra hooray for correctly used semi-colons!
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:iconmanchaliaina:
manchaliaina Featured By Owner Mar 30, 2006
You know, I even remember thinking, hey, I bet I could use semi-colons correctly here.

Honest.

:D Thank you!
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:iconmoonbeams:
Moonbeams Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2006
This really is brilliant. I like how it came out. Absolutely love the last line. Just one tiny thing: supernova is one word. Other than that, this is just so original and cleverly done. :)
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:iconmanchaliaina:
manchaliaina Featured By Owner Mar 30, 2006
DA won't let me fix the supernova typo! :(

But thank you!
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:icondanielzklein:
danielzklein Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2006  Hobbyist Writer
While I'm not as swept away as all those poetic types over THERE, I liked this ;) It's nice. For my taste (and mind you, I know how far my taste is from the taste of HUMAN BEINGS OUT THERE) it's a little TOO vague. Just a bit more concreteness would have helped carry me through this. Also, language wise, it's a little too conversational. You could try to infuse this with a little more music. But again, that's just to please ME, and it isn't my birthday yet. ;P
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:iconmanchaliaina:
manchaliaina Featured By Owner Mar 30, 2006
Yeah, I know. Concreteness would help this poem a lot. So would not being a list. I'm flattered it's a DD, but I don't quite get why. But it's a list and got a DD and that's the way the cookie gets its chips. I'd mess with it to make it more ... anything. But it had a time and a place and a person and purpose, and all of those have been served successfully. My best friend loved it because all the awkward lines are awkward for him. So. I appreciate greatly your truthfulness in the face of all this enthusiasm. :heart:
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:icondanielzklein:
danielzklein Featured By Owner Mar 30, 2006  Hobbyist Writer
I try to always be honest ;)

You got the DD because ZebraSarah got excited ;P Her excitement is a force of nature.

No really, the poem isn't bad! Compared to one other poem that I of course won't link to but that got DDed *recently*, this is truly awesome, but we're not going to start comparing like that ;)
Reply
:iconzebrazebrazebra:
zebrazebrazebra Featured By Owner Apr 3, 2006  Professional Writer
If my excitement alone was enough to make me suggest a poem I'd be doing so a lot more often.
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:iconinziladun:
inziladun Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2006   Writer
wasn't swept away either, fyi. let me out of this box!
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:iconbeautyisfromwithin:
beautyisfromwithin Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2006
I liked the last two lines best
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:iconlelekelley:
lelekelley Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2006
Well deserving of the DD.

This is amazing.

:hug:
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:iconfirstdayofmylife:
FirstDayOfMyLife Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2006
What a lovely gift that must have been to receive :) I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. I wish I had your poetic talent :+fav:
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:iconashknight:
ashknight Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2006
That's just superb! Brilliantly written. Beautiful words.

:+fav: The DD is well-deserved.
Reply
:icongreen-sphinx:
green-sphinx Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2006
I am not an appropiate person to comment on poetry, so I'll just say that I consider it amazing...
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:iconelphabasoup:
ElphabaSoup Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2006
Positively stunning. Seldom am I this speechless.
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:iconprosepetals:
ProsePetals Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2006
:clap:
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:iconninja-raven:
Ninja-raVen Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2006
This is for me? O_o

Neat poem! I don't read many but this was really sweet!
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:icondemonlight:
demonlight Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2006  Professional Writer
It doesn't get much better than this.
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:iconnyctophobia:
Nyctophobia Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2006
water that eddies
into the falls and out
of the falls, without ever thinking
it was lost to the cascades;


Oh wow.. that is beautiful. :) That verse, my favourite. In a world that is so horribly insecure it is nice to read something that makes me feel that I am not so insignificant after all. How beautifully you have phrased this, so gentle and and yet so secure and confident. These things that aren't trying to be anything else, that are just what they are.

Truly outstanding. I love this so much. It made me cry. But maybe that's just cause I was on the brink of tears anyway and needed a little push.
Reply
:iconsisterjanet:
sisterjanet Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2006
I just want to put this poem in my pocket and take it out once in a while to grin at like a goofball, so I guess I'd better fave it.

I like the comma after girls, incidentally, and I'm inordinately fond of correctly used semicolons, which yours seem to be. Congratulations. :)
Reply
:iconmanchaliaina:
manchaliaina Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2006
:heart: Taking it around in your pocket is one of my favourite compliments! Thank you.
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:iconbananaprincess:
bananaprincess Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2006
I'm glad to know I'm not the only "correct semicolon" junkie; it's such a nice piece of punctuation when used properly, and it worked very well in this poem.
Reply
:iconemothemurdok:
emothemurdok Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2006
Cheers!
Reply
:iconzebrazebrazebra:
zebrazebrazebra Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2006  Professional Writer
One of these days I'm going to make a club for punctuation fetishists like us. :nod:
Reply
:iconbananaprincess:
bananaprincess Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2006
Like =zebrazebrazebra, "beeps" worries me, but I'm not sure I'm over it yet. I think it's because we have such lovely natural imagery, and then this mechanical "beeps" is thrown at us.

Nonetheless,
this is lovely. I often shy away from "list poems," but this is so much more than that, and artfully done. Each stanza is beautifully composed, and having the last two items each take one full line brings the poem to a strong conclusion.
Reply
:iconmanchaliaina:
manchaliaina Featured By Owner Mar 30, 2006
Beeps worries me too. Has for ages. Don't know what to do about it. And anyway, now I can't because DA won't let me. As for the rest of it, I'm really glad you like it and think it works well. I couldn't believe I wrote a list poem. What can you do. :)
Reply
:iconbananaprincess:
bananaprincess Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2006
What do you mean dA won't let you? If you click on "edit deviation" and then click on "the writing," it should let you, if you want to edit.
Congrats on the DD, btw! I saw your journal entry--I got one awhile back, and yeah, the amount of messages was so intimidating!
Reply
:iconmanchaliaina:
manchaliaina Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2006
Yeah, see, instead of "the writing" it says "the file" and then it wants me to upload a file and I'm like, dude, there's no file, and we're at an impasse. And so I cancel and go home. But anyway.
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:iconbananaprincess:
bananaprincess Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2006
How weird!
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:iconsilverdolphin:
SilverDolphin Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2006  Hobbyist Photographer
Nothing to say here, really. Just an immediate fave :D
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:iconplornt:
Plornt Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2006
Congrats on the DD!
Reply
:iconmanchaliaina:
manchaliaina Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2006
You have the best name! And thanks!
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