Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login


Woman, you said you wouldn't
leave the world behind. All the pieces,
you had all the pieces in a line and you were measuring
and drawing routes, bus trips back to where
you think things start. This suitcase
on the stoop, then, mustn't be yours.


Woman, you said you'd got a ticket out
and a ticket out for me, that we'd both be
over the moon by now. But you live limpid
in the city lights and I live the same nights
and between us, we can't weave enough of a day.


There is no fading, love, and no saving.
This white-on-white hospital light
you've brought outside with you
is all of your strength. You show up against
grey skies, you ghost in lamplight,
you love your children unborn. They are
dreams, as you're a dream, as is the hand
warming your palm. There is no hand, woman,
warming your palm, you've left it behind, named
for a dream dissolve. So no one is saviour, or victor, or love.


There is just us alone. Why remove us
from the road? Why remove us to jasmine
and this melancholy star? Woman, you promised
we'd have the legs to go far.
For P.O.E.M.S

VICTOR!

I'm so not going in order, but it's as the whatsit strikes, y'know? I've written two Charlie poems and they both suck rancid petunias.

Edit: jan 21, 07
Add a Comment:
 

Daily Deviation

Given 2007-07-20
Broken promises wrapped in stunning, powerful imagery: To Go Far by ~manchaliaina demands that you live the experience. ( Suggested by LineCount and Featured by GunShyMartyr )
:iconpunchdrunklover:
PunchDrunkLover Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2007
this is really good.
i love the framing and the last line just makes me feel.
great job.
Reply
:iconzephyrchaser:
zephyrchaser Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2007   Writer
I've tried to post this darn comment three times today! I'll try again.

I KNEW I recognized that lit tag! I'm so glad one of yours got a DD; I was pondering going through your gallery and trying to pick just one to suggest. (My heart still belongs to "Rhododendron Girl," though.)

The pick is well-merited; don't change a thing. :)
Reply
:iconfetalcryogenics:
fetalcryogenics Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2007
Very nice. It's so melancholy.
Reply
:iconapgar2:
apgar2 Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2007
I love it. A strange rhythm that somehow works and slant rhymes that make this poem a lot like a song. =)
Reply
:iconmary-yasha:
mary-yasha Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2007
=) great work, it totally deserves a DD. Well done. I'd love to critique, but I'm not exactly...
Well, I just don't want to give you stupid advise, because I don't have very much at all >.<
Well done, this is a really great peice.
Reply
:icondharmaraventophcohen:
Very good. I've only dabbled slightly in poetry, but I like your style and how there doesn't seem to be a set order to it. In my opinion that is the way poetry should be.
Reply
:iconzephyrchaser:
zephyrchaser Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2007   Writer
I KNEW I recognized that lit tag! I'm so glad you got a DD; I was pondering going through your gallery myself and trying to pick just one poem to suggest. ("Rhododendron Girl" is still first in my heart, though.)

I love your style, and I'm glad it's being put out for other people to love.

Sorry if you get a double-post... my finger slipped and hit "Send" too soon but nothing seems to've gone through.
Reply
:iconzephyrchaser:
zephyrchaser Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2007   Writer
I KNEW I recognized that lit tag! I'm so thrilled you got a DD; I was pondering going through your gallery myself and trying to pick
Reply
:iconaibari:
Aibari Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2007   Writer
o.0
No words.
Really, there are no words for this. It's just so ... amazingly well written. Thank you. ^^
Reply
:iconskellington13rose:
Skellington13Rose Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2007
Beautiful imagery on this. The words flow like a river and I love it. ^^
Reply
:iconpantherstar613:
PantherStar613 Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2007  Hobbyist Photographer
An awesome piece - congratulations on the deserved DD :)
Reply
:iconreddragonfly:
RedDragonfly Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2007
I'd love to hear this set to music,
there's just enough rhyme to really make it work as a song.
Reply
:iconscissordancer:
ScissorDancer Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2007
This is absolutely beautiful.
Also, not part of the piece but... sucked rancid petunias? Thats wonderful :)
Reply
:icongiffordm:
giffordm Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2007
wow well lets see....i honestly cannot say wat is in my heart for this bcuz there are no words that will suffice......it is wonderful and it seriously hits me bcuz im going thru something such as this currently in my wonderfully dreadful world of "real life" that i try to hide from rather unsuccessfully....did I mention i'm quite the rambler? lol...sorry.....anyways.....i think that you should just leave it alone the way it is bcuz it is beautiful, unique, and you........*skipps off to add to favs*
Reply
:iconlortezcrouton:
LortezCrouton Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2007
you really have enough comments... and I never comment. But I reeee heee hearly liked this!
thats all.
dont change a thing
Reply
:iconmoonfire-pixie:
MoonFire-Pixie Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2007
This makes me feel... very happy =D
I know someone who will love it very much, if you give me permission to print it in her birthday card?
Reply
:icontroubledrabbit:
TroubledRabbit Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2007
very nice imagery and i love the spoken kind of rhythm it has although it seems to falter a little come the final line of each stanza. however, the last stanza's rhythm, movement and rhyme are lovely. nice work :)
Reply
:icondark-maidenne:
DarK-MaidennE Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2007
This poem is very good, the imagery is excellent
Reply
:iconsadiqphoto:
sadiqphoto Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2007   Photographer
beautiful.
Reply
:iconj-ouroboros:
j-ouroboros Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2007   Photographer
I've been traveling around the country all summer, so this one resonated with me quite a lot. Love it. :)
Reply
:iconmyseity:
mySeity Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2007
2nd stanza last line -- "day" instead of "a day" perhaps? flows better.

I'm guilty of this as well, but maybe go back and reread it (aloud?) to check your line breaks. I'm not sure about the placements of all of them.

...but those are the nitpicks. Seriously, this poem is stunning and bursting at the seams with heart and beautifully organized thought.

I love "This white-on-white hospital light
you've brought outside with you
is all of your strength."

and the last stanza. Just wonderful. +fav!
Reply
:iconmanchaliaina:
manchaliaina Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2007
Thank you very much, for the praise and the feedback. To be honest, I think I've done what I'm going to with this guy. It was a pain in the bum to get going and I think it's decided it's now going to stay this way. Perhaps I'll come back to it in a year and things will be different. :)
Reply
:iconlettersinexile:
LettersInExile Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2007
This is beautiful. I am only sorry I could not see the original version.
Reply
:iconmanchaliaina:
manchaliaina Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2007
The original version sucked rancid petunias, I promise you. But thank you very very much.
Reply
:iconserpentofshadows:
SerpentOfShadows Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2007
This poem has struck me. I love the imagery and the emotions in it are stunning.
Reply
:icontheanimist:
theAnimist Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2007
I want to outdo all comments thus far so the poem itself gets the proper recognition. But I can't.
Reply
:iconcrazysheepie:
crazysheepie Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2007
I do just adore this poem. Something so melancholy and bitter about it that it strikes that aching place. I have nothing to crit on this one
Reply
:iconmanchaliaina:
manchaliaina Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2007
:) thank you
Reply
:iconpinocchio-liez:
Pinocchio-Liez Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2007
I think I'm in love with the rhythm and flow of this...very bluesy. It's definitely my flavour of spoken word...so I really appreciate it! The images are striking and so is the word play. Nicely done indeed :nod:!
Reply
:iconmanchaliaina:
manchaliaina Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2007
I was definitely aiming for a spoken word thing, so I'm glad that came through. Thanks!
Reply
:iconpinocchio-liez:
Pinocchio-Liez Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2007
Definitely :aww:!
Reply
:iconalyryianis:
alyryianis Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2007
It's profoundly elegant, heartwarming, and glistening with language, all at once. I adore it.
Reply
:iconmanchaliaina:
manchaliaina Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2007
You're too kind.
Reply
:icongeneratinghype:
GeneratingHype Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2007
I hesitate to offer much in the way of rephrasing or punctuation, even as I instinctively feel there should be some changes, because I think it would result in a change to your style and take some of the beauty from this poem. Instead, I have a few minor suggestions:

dreams as you're a dream[,] as is the hand
warming your palm. There is no hand, woman,
warming your palm, you've left it behind, named
for dream[s] dissolve[d]. So no one is saviour, or victor, or love.


The first should be self-explanatory; the second--I read the line several times without the -s and -ed endings, and each time it caused me to wonder if it was a typo (dissolved, especially). If it is not a typo, then I do ask you to consider changing the endings.

Woman, you said [you] got a ticket out
and a ticket out for me, that we'd both be
over the moon by now. But you live limpid
in the city lights [while] I live the same nights
and between us, we can't weave enough of a day.


For some reason, while I am not bothered by the hypothetical tense in "we'd", I am bothered by it in "you'd". I think it might be the "you'd got" combination that's awkward, especially because her suitcase is at the door and she is leaving--and there is the ticket that she has, not that she would get; alternatively, it should be "you'd get" because that would say that she said she would have a ticket for both of you, but it never happened.

I'm not sure what the significance of the jasmine is in the last stanza, but it doesn't bother me enough to have a suggestion ready. Melancholy star is equally troublesome and equally without possible suggestions. The lines, here, feel a little forced and I wonder--if there is not some personal significance at play that the reader cannot know--if playing around with possible edits might actually help strengthen the end.

--
The second and third stanzas are gold, as is the line "and between us, we can't weave enough of a day." Thank you for the read!
Reply
:iconmanchaliaina:
manchaliaina Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2007
Thank you very much for the thoughtful and lengthy critique. It is much appreciated.

So, in order:

First comma acknowledged.

"Dream dissolve" was what I intended and though I don't have much of an explanation for it, to change it would be to change my voice in the poem.

The "you'd" is a contraction for "you had" not "you would", though I can see that that's confusing, because the "we'd" is indeed a contraction for "we would". So I might take your suggestion, although "you'd got" is very common idiomatic usage where I come from so I'm a bit attached to it. Still, I'd rather it make sense.

I am also not sure what the jasmine and melancholy star are doing in the last stanza, besides annoying the crap out of me. It's supporting a rhyme, but that's not really a good enough reason.

So I don't know. The poem requires a major edit or removal from the aether. I'll have to decide which.

Thanks again! I'm not gracious with critique, but I do listen, I promise.
Reply
:icongeneratinghype:
GeneratingHype Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2007
in the city lights and I live the same nights[,]
and between us, we can't weave enough of a day.

warming your palm. There is no hand, woman,
warming your palm[;] you've left it behind, named

Sentimentally I like the old version, but this version is better-crafted. More importantly, how do you feel about it now?
Reply
:iconmanchaliaina:
manchaliaina Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2007
I'm so sorry, I completely failed to see this comment of yours until now!

I'm feeling better about it, but only slightly. Mostly the poem seems like it's having existential angst and wants to take poison. We'll see I suppose.

:D And while I'm totally down with your grammar and punctuation, I stand by my choice of commas and lack thereof. It's a readability thing. I have a whole thesis on the subject.

You're a peach.
Reply
:icongeneratinghype:
GeneratingHype Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2007
Congrats on the DD! Well-deserved.
Reply
:icongeneratinghype:
GeneratingHype Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2007
Hehe no problem: I'm actually used to getting ignored 90% of the time, soit's always nice to get feedback.

Punctuation is a personal thing, at this level, so I completely understand. Thank you for being so gracious.
Reply
:icongeneratinghype:
GeneratingHype Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2007
It was my pleasure.

I hesitated to offer too much as I am not as familiar with your style of your voice, and I was afraid some of my suggestions would trample on those things, but I did want to give what I could. Sentimentally, I thought this poem was one of the best I've read on dA--but sentimental writing and polished writing are two separate things. I do believe it requires a major edit, but I also believe a major edit would make this an entirely new poem. I'll simply suggest this: sentimental writing, while not always perfect and certainly with plenty of baggage and problems, does have its place in the literary world (just as commissioned peices have their place). If you are uncomfortable displaying your sentimental poems alongside your more polished pieces, scrap it. If you can feel proud about conveying emotions, even if things are a little rough, then keep it for a rainy day when the feeling returns.

But don't give up.
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:iconmanchaliaina: More from manchaliaina


Featured in Collections

DD's of 2007 by krissimonsta

Literature by noemia

Lit by ceebab


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
December 30, 2006
File Size
1.3 KB
Thumb

Stats

Views
2,163
Favourites
70 (who?)
Comments
40
×